Part 1.

Hw dare you enter in my life this way?
I loved her so much and you pulled her away like I was nothing
You took her when she was vulnerable
You sick bastard. You have no morals whatsoever.

You join the legions of memories of past men
All of the past 'mistakes' that don't feel like mistakes
You feel like a sign.
A sign that I'm foolish.
That I'm wasting my time and love on someone,
someone that has no will to deny a man
someone that needs a partner so badly they will do anything

That woman is my woman
And no matter how much I love her or trust her,
this thought will never leave, because it was planted in the very beginning
Let's hear the tale...

Originally I was a rebound. Yes. Me.
She was grieving for a man she loved but eventually said she didn't
It was just weeks after they had broken up
then she met me. She flirted with me, though I couldn't tell
and then she asked me out
She asked me out.

So soon after someone she thought she loved
let the scars heal.
I was short. She had her own ideas
A quickie, perhaps?

Someone to pass the time until she can find another man?
Or maybe just someone to talk to while she got over her love
Someone to fall in love with her
Someone to be led on

That is how we started
We lasted a month.



Part 2.

That was not the end of the story
That was just the start
I haven't talked about later...

She threw me away.
Yes, she got bored. I was annoying to her
I grieved, and she told me that we might get back together

I was foolish to listen. I was foolish to wait.
But I did. I waited months for her.
And while I waited, completely oblivious,
she was out dating other men.

Two to be exact, one who I actually considered a friend.
She didn't tell me a thing until half a year later.
Not that she needed to tell me, for all of my friends were trying to.
I didn't believe them, though. I didn't think she could do such a thing.

My family staggered under my pain. My waiting.
I held my entire life on hold for her.
We went through chaos.
I went into mandatory counseling.

And she barely knew about it.
She'd moved on, she never asked about me anymore.
She didn't care about me anymore.
She only talked to me, used me for advice.

But eventually, she saw that I was honest.
After all of the pain and torture she put me through,
I was still there, still crying out:
"How could you do this to me, luv?"

And she fell in love with me.
Pity that I couldn't see it in time...



Part 3.

We went through life together.
She knew the secret about the past men
I was still oblivious.

We went through tough times as we found out many things
Things like just how incompatible we were,
how she would go through her life with me on the side.

She would carry out her life, do things with her friends
And when something went wrong, she'd go to me.
She wouldn't tell me anything. She'd just be sad.
I thought it was my fault...

I was foolish. It happened time and time again.
She was sad from something I didn't know about
and I assumed she would have told me, so it must have been me
And she finally corrects me...days later.

Even when she finally told me about the men she'd been with
I forgave her. I told myself she wouldn't do it again
Not now that we were in love.
But I still doubted...who wouldn't with our history?

These were hard times for us. We found out many things about us
We couldn't talk to each other, not unless one of us needed help
There were no real happy moments together, not if we talked at least
Only when we were quiet, and expressing our love,
That was when we shined.

But we hit hard times again.
Because I saw our problems...and I wanted to talk about them.



Part 4.

It was one year after she rebounded and caught me,
and we still had problems between us.
I wanted to fix that.

I talked to her. I cried for her to talk back.
I tried to tell her as many problems as I could,
and ask her to help me fix them
but she didn't cooperate.

She said that love was enough,
that we would get through it by ignoring it
and I disagreed.

In the end I broke up with her. Just for that reason.
She wouldn't talk back to me.
So we became separated.
But we were still in love...

Just days afterwards we were back together,
but we were both tired of each other
we were both already moving on
the problems didn't seem worth fixing.

So one day she suggested we break up again
It was totally out of the blue, but I agreed.
I didn't know that she already had her sights on someone else

This man. This bastard of a man.
Three days after we were broken up, I was lonely
I wanted her back. I wanted to work around the problems
rather than ignore them.

Three days, and she made love to another man.
It showed that our love had been superficial
And it showed that she hadn't learned from her first rebound.



Part 5.

I still didn't know about what had happened
I only knew she saw him often.
She saw many other men often, but he was different
She smiled when she said his name.

I talked to her. I told her I wanted her back
I loved her so much...and I wanted to hold her again
And she said the same, but she thought of him.

Four days after she rebounded again, we were back together
We were following our pattern
We'd always had it...
Problem, distance, talking, love, repeat

But she broke our pattern
She made it something else
Problem, distance, rebound, talking, love[?]
She tossed off the other man

That man would probably have become me,
or rather, the me of a year ago, the me before her
But she let him go, and went back to me
And she told me.

It was the night we were going to make love,
the first time since we had broken up,
but she chose to go to the man and tell him off
while I panicked and didn't know where she was

She then came to me later on and told me
told me what had happened while I was loving her
the atrocity she had committed
And I weeped.

The night I thought would be our special night
Became such a horror show of grief
Not only because of what she had done,
but because I'd seen it happening but had trusted her

I trusted her and she broke my trust again.
How many times had she broken the trust?
Too many to count.
But... in my hopeful and loving ways... I forgave her again.

Yet it still hurts. And the man is still in this world, just down the street.
And now all of my love that I have for this woman
Is tainted with distrust, worry, and pain.



Epilogue.

We are together now,
and we both love each other very much
and the trust is coming back very quickly
so much that plans of a permanent nature are possible

But we have such a history
And every now and then
No, more often than that
I think about it.

I think about it and I begin to cry
I think about the past and what has happened
I think about what a person she could be to have done that to me
And I think about what she might do to me in the future.

I am stuck though. My trust and love for her keeps me hopeful
No matter how many times she hurts me
No matter who she goes off and loves behind my back
I am still there for her, because I care too much.

So think about my situation, and maybe it might help you with yours
Maybe I can help other people with my past
And maybe by writing this, I can help myself...